B0ULDER'S BoxCars

The things you learn along the way

Here I've been sinking my money and time firstly in education, secondly in travel, thirdly in medical interventions, fourthly in gonal-f (oh the gonal-f, in which I've partaken), and most recently in my latest favorite beverage a Reyka tonic with a lime twist.   Now I find out that tequila was the answer to my infertile meanderings. I don't know about you, but all I ever got was violently ill, worshipping porcelain gods in my wayward youth.  (and ps - to the writer, while otherwise hilarious? retard?  really?  the best choice you had?)

A Little Levity

Is is just me, or do most of these look better than some of your own embryo photos just before transfer?

Also, I wondered via email to Julie about this study.  I mean do I just order a small pine seedling (endometriosis is one of my lesser of my reproductive evils - no need for a Rockefeller center type specimen), insert, sit & spin?  I have a brown thumb - maybe all this time, I've had a green vagina just waiting for its chance to shine?

To all of you who have left such warm comments, encouraging me to stand strong, I would like to say thank you.  It is nice to know I'm not alone.

PS - Do you know today is the birthday of my good friend Tess?

"Sweet vermouth on the rocks with a twist."

A friend alluded to Punxsutawney Phil in an IM conversation very recently, and in an homage to her, and in honor one of another friend's (and my) favorites movies, Groundhog Day, I feel compelled to stick my head out and see if my shadow is there.

I may head back for the duration of another 6 weeks winter, or I may just keep trying until I get it right.

I have received many great emails gently inquiring as to my well being, and the state of affairs of my ovaries and uterus.  I'm sorry I haven't posted to let you know what is up, or more specifically what isn't.

Julie's beautiful quilt changed who I am forever.  It made me less cynical about life.  It also made me realize, more than ever, that I've never been in this alone.  For that, and all of you who participated I can't express the depth of my gratitude.

Sadly, however, I've also acquired a following that I'd like to invite to leave me the fuck alone.  There is a population out there that has found it necessary to unleash, on a fairly regular basis. Their sentiments on the inherent "evil" of deciding to have another woman (hopefully) deliver a child for us.  I won't dignify them by printing the choice words that have been flung at my husband and me - at least I don't think I will.  I may if it continues.  Some of them are pathetically funny.

You'd cringe if you saw the filters I've set on my email to route the nastiness to my proverbial circular file.   Many, who are bombarding me with other "options" to parenthood, or who are questioning my "selfishness," I like to invite to walk a few years in my shoes.  And live in my mind.   

I love the idea of adoption.  For other people.  I love the idea of donor eggs and embryos.  For other people.  I enthusiastically follow the stories on blogs of people building their families by these means.  I'm thrilled to see the joy that comes to the lives of these parents.

I'm just not there yet for our family building experience.

I can't seem to reconcile that in to my life.  At some point I may very well welcome these choices for our future, but I am not ready.  Frankly, neither is my husband.

I think it is more realistic for us, when we look to the future, to see ourselves as childless.  The scars we have from our experiences and losses have aged us in ways we didn't think possible.  If surrogacy doesn't work, I think we'll be done with the notion of having a child by any other means.  That very thought makes my throat close up with a lump and an my eyes well up with tears,  as I bite my quivering lip.

I realized along the way, that life continues to "happen" even if I'd rather it didn't.   I think we'd be ready to climb back in to living life the way we used to before becoming engaged in the pursuit of a family.  Travels, leisure, friendships - the rich experiences of life - have been dulled by the unhappiness of the failures of my reproductive system.  I want to feel carefree - as carefree as a childless woman and her husband can without looking ridiculous.

I'm a woman who, however, reserves the right to change her mind.

So, I'm wondering if we come to some kind of truce.  Please?  Can you trust that when I have something to share about the state of my ovaries and/or uterus that is noteworthy that I will be here with bells on to let the world in on it all?  I'm not ready to do a play-by-play - because as soon as I do, I'll have the email filter struggling to keep up. 

The reasons why I haven't cycled yet are personal, and I am not comfortable discussing them in a public forum like the internets.  They are real and raw, and they are private.  But they are also due in some part to the negative reactions that have come to me without my solicitation for opinions.

For what is worth, to those that need to know these kinds of things - I have passed along any "gifts" that arrived that were close to expiration, and as crazy as it might seem, I have not yet cashed Julie's check.  I will when it comes time to use it.  Until then I'm hoping that it earns Julie's account a bit of interest that she can use for her own pursuits, or she can donate to her monthly benefactors.  (Please help by clicking through on her blogads.  As she says, "Won't hurt, might help.")

The reasons why I haven't cycled yet are personal, and I am not comfortable discussing them in a public forum like the internets.  They are real and profound, and they are private.  I feel like I'm on a loop; same shit, different day.

I feel raw.  I feel depressed.   I am sad. 

Today was our due date.  Our daughter would have been three.  3.  Let's not forget February sucks.

I feel blessed, however, that so many of you are so caring and kind.  I'd like to keep that first and foremost in my mind.  You don't have to tread lightly, and I love to hear from you.  Well, most of you.

Thanks for your patience with me.

Things to Think About

I was looking at my referrers tonight and there was a new one, so I took a look around (hi Sharp Curves Ahead!), and I read a link there that really made me stop and think:

What would happen if you tracked these things?

1. How much $ you spend per month
2. How long you spend talking to your family per month
3. How much time you spent working on the thing you say is your "passion" last month
4. How far you walk every day
5. How much you read NOT from a computer
6. How much time you spend organizing your life (bills, etc)
7. How many calories you eat per day
8. How much time you actually work at work
9. How much time you spend watching TV per month
10. Which of your goals you accomplished last year

I know it feels like it has been all about meme around here, but I honestly took this to be more of a life assessment listing.  I read it casually at first, and then I began to consider the actual answers to some of these things.  I also considered how much some of the answers have changed over the last 4 years or so.

1.  Not as much as I used to.  Not much at all really.  Sure, I have some things that are probably not as much of a necessity to some that I believe are, actually, necessities and therefore expend - take internet connectivity, for instance.  An occasional magazine.  It is interesting, though, how much desire to purchase a magazine or continue a long-time subscription has been impacted by gossip blogs.  I've come to find the delay in publishing the weeklies irritating.  Until, however, I can read my computer in the tub, I will probably continue to succumb when a headline grabs my attention enough.  Fortunately, I get many great reads out of my favorite - Vanity Fair - and it is downright cheap to subscribe to that magazine.

2.  A lot, but more in spurts than it used to be.   Life feels complex and, frankly, boring.  Sure, there are still wonderful conversations to be had - just not in the number or frequency that they were at one point.

3.  A passion?  I know I should have one.  Everyone should.  But mine feels lost forever.  I mean if I had to commit the choice here to one, I don't know if I could.  I'm just not passionate about much anymore.  I guess, right now, I'm happy to have a few wonderful moments each day where my dog is thrilled to spend time with me, and my cats deign to spend time with me.  I'm still saddened by the fact, however, that I'm only spending time with one dog, and not the two sisters that made my heart soar to see them running over green grass and collapsing on a deck in the sun on a warm afternoon.

4.  A lot.  To the kitchen and back.  To the car and back.  From one spot at work to another.  But not much outside.  And it is too bad - because the weather has been glorious the past few weeks.  Need to get out with loving dog and enjoy that, I think.

5.  See above (#1), in the tub.  At work, occasionally.  But not as much as I would like.  (Should I confess here that I believe I came dangerously close to becoming a wanted person by a local library here because I was so overdue with 4 books recently?  When we moved I figured I'd just return them to the one closer by, until I realized it was in another municipality and they wouldn't accept them.  Fortunately there was a one-time amnesty that I was able to use.  How pathetic is that?)

6.  For as computer competent and anal retentive as I am, not enough!  I am intrigued, though, by a new software I heard about this week.  If you are Mac-inclined like I am, and you are a bit anal - you might love this concept as much as I do.  (I've actually been doing pdfs for years of online confirmations, bills etcetera, but haven't had a way of organizing things in a way that feels intuitive instead of makeshift.)  Check this out if you are interested.

7.  Just enough to keep IVF-found weight tightly attached to places I'd rather it was not....

8.  Again, a lot.  In fact, my personal computer use is way down, damn-it.  Fucking customers. (Ha!)  Actually, I enjoy pleasant conversations with people during the day.  But as I tell my husband, it is for business.  I care about the people I talk with, but I do consider it relationship building.  It is important to know our client base, and what is going on with them.  It is work in the end.

9.  The television is on almost every minute I am home.  Thanks to Tivo, I don't spend a lot of time interacting with it - but I find the noise to be stimulating and (perhaps weirdly?) comforting.  I've been like this forever.  Ask my parents.

10.  Hmm.  Have a baby.  Nope.  Travel.  5 days out of 365 = 1.37% - doesn’t feel like a yes.  Financial stability.  Nope.  Organization at home.  Not really.  Find good medical care locally.  Not so much.  Become "unpacked" as much as makes sense.  Not really.  Lose weight.  Ha!  No.  Like myself a little more after a few really hard years.  A little bit.  Move away from FIL.  YES!!!

Well, if you've made it this far, you are a committed soul.  What about you - did you find the list to be as compelling as I did?

I'm sure that some of these answers make me sound as if I'm depressed - I am not.  It is more about things that feel incomplete or missing or stagnate.

Updates forthcoming

Just not right this minute.  But, people, I HAVE A PLAN! 

And for me - that is most of the work, developing the plan. 

Am very proud of myself for such planning-ness!  I have a crap lot of work to get done at our business tomorrow, and then have to be around Saturday afternoon, and Sunday morning, but then?  Then my blogging friends will get updates.  But I owe a few REALLY important people in my life a phone call (ok, more than one phone call is owed, but calling and hanging-up in mid sentence, to simply call back seconds later in an effort to cross one more owed called to same person off the list seems like it would get in the way of actual time on the phone, you know, talking.  Or listening.  I can do BOTH. YES I can!

Hmph.

Also, in honor of the fact that my most excellent friend is returning to a place where I may have travelled with her on a time share trek - now without Boulder.  *heavy sigh*  But with husband - her's not mine - this time.  Well, I'm trying to act ladylike and supportive of her relationship with him, but I'm not being honest if I don't fess up to my greenish tint which my smarter half calls envy.  So, where was I again?  Oh, so, in honor of her trip (NOT my trip), I'm finally going to complete my postings from last spring.  Yay me!  I'm going to finish something I've started! 

And somewhere in there I'm also going to write a post here about things you might like to know about.  Updates, and all.

Also, since I'm feeling a tad bit loopy (foot still=limp) from a nice warm-fuzzy pain medicine, I may even answer questions you might feel you'd like answered.

xoxo

Beauty and the beast

Have you ever tried to sleep on a queen size mattress after spending 10 months on a king size mattress?  No fun.  Even more no fun when a certain lonely dog has decided that for the first time in her life she must, repeat MUST be in the middle of the bed all sprawled out & comfortable.  When I'm not.  And her daddy isn't.  Well, the man can sleep through anything, so I'm not really worried about him, but me?  I NEED my beauty sleep, because I'm so not seeing any beauty in the mirror lately.

I'm heading off to bed to TRY to sleep earlier than usual tonight, but I wanted to say how happy I am that my husband worked out a way for us to stay away from the office tomorrow, and I'm going to get to SLEEP-in.  Yay!  Want to know why?

Confession?  I'm not afraid to admit this to anyone who can stomach hearing it, but as a first born, and only child for 4.5 critical years, I'm not really the one to blame, so I'll admit it.  A certain personal day marking my birth, has always fallen on or near a major US holiday, so I've been known to call this weekend, not "Labor Day Weekend," but rather "My Birthday Weekend."  That's right.  The whole country has a long weekend for MY birthday. 

You are welcome.