B0ULDER'S BoxCars

Screw E=MC2

Sometimes you have to just say, "Fuck it," and have some fun.  Go here to do the same.

Reverence and Friendship

Editorial Comment:  I wrote about this on Julie's site, and decided to include it here as a way of helping people who stumble on to my blog understand my feelings of complete reverence and appreciation.

I know Scrooge McDuck would find it hard to believe that people out there in the real world do things like this, but I have truly been handed good fortune - this (and, well, $2.02 from adsense help from my site) will go a very long way towards making my dream a possibility.

The beauty of this quilt is matched by the spirit of kindness I have witnessed here.  I'm at the end of my IF road, and yet have never felt so much warmth and friendship holding me up as I take these final steps.

Nothing (well, other than my own "damn baby") will make me happier than to have a picture of Julie weeping with this quilt before she sends it off, and of the LUCKY recipient's smile after opening it.

My greatest hope is that a picture or two of this quilt will one day find its way down to your Quilts for Other People's Kids filed under "A quilt for the child of Boulder's heart."  Because, someday, if I'm lucky, I'll be telling this story at bedtime about how friends got together to make it possible for my family to have a dearly dreamed for child.

Thank you to all of you,

with LOVE from Boulder and husband.

PS - Don't forget to click a link on Julie's "Dept of Commerce" sidebar - won't hurt, might help.  All proceeds this month (02/2006) go to RESOLVE.  Thank you.

Things to Think About

I was looking at my referrers tonight and there was a new one, so I took a look around (hi Sharp Curves Ahead!), and I read a link there that really made me stop and think:

What would happen if you tracked these things?

1. How much $ you spend per month
2. How long you spend talking to your family per month
3. How much time you spent working on the thing you say is your "passion" last month
4. How far you walk every day
5. How much you read NOT from a computer
6. How much time you spend organizing your life (bills, etc)
7. How many calories you eat per day
8. How much time you actually work at work
9. How much time you spend watching TV per month
10. Which of your goals you accomplished last year

I know it feels like it has been all about meme around here, but I honestly took this to be more of a life assessment listing.  I read it casually at first, and then I began to consider the actual answers to some of these things.  I also considered how much some of the answers have changed over the last 4 years or so.

1.  Not as much as I used to.  Not much at all really.  Sure, I have some things that are probably not as much of a necessity to some that I believe are, actually, necessities and therefore expend - take internet connectivity, for instance.  An occasional magazine.  It is interesting, though, how much desire to purchase a magazine or continue a long-time subscription has been impacted by gossip blogs.  I've come to find the delay in publishing the weeklies irritating.  Until, however, I can read my computer in the tub, I will probably continue to succumb when a headline grabs my attention enough.  Fortunately, I get many great reads out of my favorite - Vanity Fair - and it is downright cheap to subscribe to that magazine.

2.  A lot, but more in spurts than it used to be.   Life feels complex and, frankly, boring.  Sure, there are still wonderful conversations to be had - just not in the number or frequency that they were at one point.

3.  A passion?  I know I should have one.  Everyone should.  But mine feels lost forever.  I mean if I had to commit the choice here to one, I don't know if I could.  I'm just not passionate about much anymore.  I guess, right now, I'm happy to have a few wonderful moments each day where my dog is thrilled to spend time with me, and my cats deign to spend time with me.  I'm still saddened by the fact, however, that I'm only spending time with one dog, and not the two sisters that made my heart soar to see them running over green grass and collapsing on a deck in the sun on a warm afternoon.

4.  A lot.  To the kitchen and back.  To the car and back.  From one spot at work to another.  But not much outside.  And it is too bad - because the weather has been glorious the past few weeks.  Need to get out with loving dog and enjoy that, I think.

5.  See above (#1), in the tub.  At work, occasionally.  But not as much as I would like.  (Should I confess here that I believe I came dangerously close to becoming a wanted person by a local library here because I was so overdue with 4 books recently?  When we moved I figured I'd just return them to the one closer by, until I realized it was in another municipality and they wouldn't accept them.  Fortunately there was a one-time amnesty that I was able to use.  How pathetic is that?)

6.  For as computer competent and anal retentive as I am, not enough!  I am intrigued, though, by a new software I heard about this week.  If you are Mac-inclined like I am, and you are a bit anal - you might love this concept as much as I do.  (I've actually been doing pdfs for years of online confirmations, bills etcetera, but haven't had a way of organizing things in a way that feels intuitive instead of makeshift.)  Check this out if you are interested.

7.  Just enough to keep IVF-found weight tightly attached to places I'd rather it was not....

8.  Again, a lot.  In fact, my personal computer use is way down, damn-it.  Fucking customers. (Ha!)  Actually, I enjoy pleasant conversations with people during the day.  But as I tell my husband, it is for business.  I care about the people I talk with, but I do consider it relationship building.  It is important to know our client base, and what is going on with them.  It is work in the end.

9.  The television is on almost every minute I am home.  Thanks to Tivo, I don't spend a lot of time interacting with it - but I find the noise to be stimulating and (perhaps weirdly?) comforting.  I've been like this forever.  Ask my parents.

10.  Hmm.  Have a baby.  Nope.  Travel.  5 days out of 365 = 1.37% - doesn’t feel like a yes.  Financial stability.  Nope.  Organization at home.  Not really.  Find good medical care locally.  Not so much.  Become "unpacked" as much as makes sense.  Not really.  Lose weight.  Ha!  No.  Like myself a little more after a few really hard years.  A little bit.  Move away from FIL.  YES!!!

Well, if you've made it this far, you are a committed soul.  What about you - did you find the list to be as compelling as I did?

I'm sure that some of these answers make me sound as if I'm depressed - I am not.  It is more about things that feel incomplete or missing or stagnate.

Quiz or Biography?

For Tertia.  You should know that this freaky little quiz accurately figured out what my majors were way back when.  Three of them, at least.   Wonder if this is how the CEO at Radio Shack "crafted" his biography....

I also have to laugh at how far down on the list Biology showed up - given that it is such a major force in my life.

You scored as Sociology. You should be a Sociology major! Sociology 100% Anthropology 100% Psychology 92% English 83% Journalism 83% Mathematics 75% Linguistics 75% Engineering 67% Philosophy 58% Theater 50% Art 50% Chemistry 42% Biology 25% Dance 17% What is your Perfect Major? created with QuizFarm.com

Following Along

So, as most of you know, February is just about my least favorite month for many reasons which I've previously discussed.  I'm beginning to feel my spirit coming back.  It takes time, I've learned.  I haven't done much to take care of my own needs, but at least when I'm doing other things my mind is occupied, and I don't focus too much.  A little, but not too much.

While trying to keep myself busy, I've watched these Johari windows pop up all week long:

1. Heather's cousin Dorj! @ veryGeorge!.com on 2/12
2. Orange at Orange Tangerine on 2/14
3. Dani @ Postcards from the Mothership on 2/14
4. Maricar @ Love Never Fails on 2/14
5. VoirDire SubCulture on 2/16
6. JJ @ Domesticated on 2/16
7. Jen P @ 2 Cats / 8 Paws on 2/16
8. Lioness @ Which Surprised Her on 2/18
9. Tertia @ So Close on 2/18

I'm loath to participate in meme's and list of any kind, but this appeals to my behavior sciences background, so do me a favor and click a few words that seem like they reflect what you know of me and my life.

Getting to know you,
Getting to know all about you.
Getting to like you,
Getting to hope you like me....

From my favorite musical (and movie) growing up.  Anyone?  So, would you please do me too?   

Many thanks, my friends.

---

PS- *New baby mentioned*

Navy Blue Elephant Trunks has had her baby known as "Light Blue" (a girl) at 24 weeks gestation.  Light Blue is weighing in at 1lb 15oz and 12 3/4 inches.  The family is doing as well as is expected, but could certainly use any positive thoughts you can send their way.  You may leave comments by clicking here.

Thank you.

Missing you

Just a note to Hope to tell her I wish we could have celebrated her 2nd birthday.

Thank you for the joy.

We've survived the sadness and mourned your loss.

Please know that we miss you terribly each and every day.

Updates forthcoming

Just not right this minute.  But, people, I HAVE A PLAN! 

And for me - that is most of the work, developing the plan. 

Am very proud of myself for such planning-ness!  I have a crap lot of work to get done at our business tomorrow, and then have to be around Saturday afternoon, and Sunday morning, but then?  Then my blogging friends will get updates.  But I owe a few REALLY important people in my life a phone call (ok, more than one phone call is owed, but calling and hanging-up in mid sentence, to simply call back seconds later in an effort to cross one more owed called to same person off the list seems like it would get in the way of actual time on the phone, you know, talking.  Or listening.  I can do BOTH. YES I can!

Hmph.

Also, in honor of the fact that my most excellent friend is returning to a place where I may have travelled with her on a time share trek - now without Boulder.  *heavy sigh*  But with husband - her's not mine - this time.  Well, I'm trying to act ladylike and supportive of her relationship with him, but I'm not being honest if I don't fess up to my greenish tint which my smarter half calls envy.  So, where was I again?  Oh, so, in honor of her trip (NOT my trip), I'm finally going to complete my postings from last spring.  Yay me!  I'm going to finish something I've started! 

And somewhere in there I'm also going to write a post here about things you might like to know about.  Updates, and all.

Also, since I'm feeling a tad bit loopy (foot still=limp) from a nice warm-fuzzy pain medicine, I may even answer questions you might feel you'd like answered.

xoxo

Nope, not here.

For the poor soul who did this search, keep clicking the other links.   

My 11th grade Spanish teacher was a fan of Seneca, who said ""Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity."

As an infertile, however, I think Seneca was speaking complete bullshit.

Limping Along

Many moons ago in 2001, when the Boulder household was flush with monetary means (i.e., pre-ivf), I had a certain itch to upgrade a previous Apple laptop (G3 Bronze).

I lusted for the newer, faster model.  I wanted to break up with my older laptop badly.  The track pad would overheat when I used it, and when you are in a hurry, having a cursor that doesn't move, or a screen that won't scroll becomes a hassle.  The hard-drive was overtaxed.  And then there was the thing with the logo.  Yes, the logo.  Some designer at Apple placed the logo so that it was "face up" when closed on a desk top (not a frequent happening), but "upside down" when open and glowing (a very frequent happening).  Drove me crazy, that lack of attention to detail.  I mean, how the heck did that get to market that way?

So, I threw caution to the wind and happily ordered away.  I cringe now when I think of how many vials of gonal-f that decision would be in present day ivf-dollars.

When it arrived I remember marveling at the shiny titanium and carbon fiber case, and the bright "mega-wide" display.  It wasn't just gorgeous.  It was sexy.  Seriously.  It measured 1 inch thick, and it was smaller and lighter than anything Apple had previously had on the market.  I know, because I'd had everything from the very first Macintosh to several incarnations of laptops and desktops along the way since the mid 80's.  It had a dvd drive too, and I thought that was the coolest thing.  My husband's previous PowerBook had had one, and we'd loved it on long trips, and I envisioned a good life for this computer and me.

Along the way, the dvd drive has not gotten as much use as I would have thought, the drive itself is in a horribly designed location (just underneath my right wrist, where my arm sits when I type) so it has a kind of stress-fault, and doesn't spin discs well.  The power cord has blown out twice now, and it is finicky now - hard to keep it actually plugged in and charging.  (But better than my G3, which actually caught fire - thankfully with me sitting there with it, so nothing was hurt.)  The left side has been cracked (um, titanium & carbon fiber - not so strong after all) since before I can remember.

It has had minor upgrades thanks to a loving husband who is technically minded - some memory here, and a new hard drive (size DOES matter) there.   

My life and computer, circa 2001 seemed so full of potential.  My how things have changed for the poor computer and me.

But all in all, it was an excellent choice, and it is still my constant companion.  My lifeline to like-minded people.  To friends who, like me, became hard to reach on any phone, be it cell or land line.  I am always on the move with this computer.  It is at my bedside at night.  It goes to work with me each day - sadly only very few days do I actually get to open it up and use it as the business runs on PC's (not my choice, obviously!).

So, imagine my surprise when a week ago Saturday, I reached for said beloved computer and the sleek titanium case which I've become so adept at handling slipped.  And fell.  All 5.3 pounds of it.  On my big toe.  The corner of it, to be exact, hit the top of my joint at the base of the toe.  It made me nauseous immediately - never a good sign, and because of the force and placement, it broke a vessel.  A large one, apparently.  It was black within seconds.

I've got a RX for an x-ray, but I haven't had a chance to get to the center.  I kind of passed it off as, "Oh, well, I'll limp around and things will be fine," but a friend pointed out how screwed up a toe joint could make my life if it doesn't heal properly, etcetera.  Orthopaedic surgeons' surgical assistants can be really graphic - and not in a good way.

So, for the first time in ages, I have to see a doctor for something that is not related to my infertility.  Well, except for the part about the reason why I was picking up the computer in the first place.  How weird is that? 

I just hope that when I do go, I only take off my shoes, and not everything from the waist down.   

Better than a singing telegram!

I could have captured my voice singing a joyful rendition of
"Happy Birthday to You" for my favorite twins in South Africa,
but rather than scar them (and you, my blog buddies) for life,
I offer this instead:
Maybe I'll work on my vocals for a podcast for next year!
Won't that be a treat for everyone?!
Not.