"Sweet vermouth on the rocks with a twist."

A friend alluded to Punxsutawney Phil in an IM conversation very recently, and in an homage to her, and in honor one of another friend's (and my) favorites movies, Groundhog Day, I feel compelled to stick my head out and see if my shadow is there.

I may head back for the duration of another 6 weeks winter, or I may just keep trying until I get it right.

I have received many great emails gently inquiring as to my well being, and the state of affairs of my ovaries and uterus.  I'm sorry I haven't posted to let you know what is up, or more specifically what isn't.

Julie's beautiful quilt changed who I am forever.  It made me less cynical about life.  It also made me realize, more than ever, that I've never been in this alone.  For that, and all of you who participated I can't express the depth of my gratitude.

Sadly, however, I've also acquired a following that I'd like to invite to leave me the fuck alone.  There is a population out there that has found it necessary to unleash, on a fairly regular basis. Their sentiments on the inherent "evil" of deciding to have another woman (hopefully) deliver a child for us.  I won't dignify them by printing the choice words that have been flung at my husband and me - at least I don't think I will.  I may if it continues.  Some of them are pathetically funny.

You'd cringe if you saw the filters I've set on my email to route the nastiness to my proverbial circular file.   Many, who are bombarding me with other "options" to parenthood, or who are questioning my "selfishness," I like to invite to walk a few years in my shoes.  And live in my mind.   

I love the idea of adoption.  For other people.  I love the idea of donor eggs and embryos.  For other people.  I enthusiastically follow the stories on blogs of people building their families by these means.  I'm thrilled to see the joy that comes to the lives of these parents.

I'm just not there yet for our family building experience.

I can't seem to reconcile that in to my life.  At some point I may very well welcome these choices for our future, but I am not ready.  Frankly, neither is my husband.

I think it is more realistic for us, when we look to the future, to see ourselves as childless.  The scars we have from our experiences and losses have aged us in ways we didn't think possible.  If surrogacy doesn't work, I think we'll be done with the notion of having a child by any other means.  That very thought makes my throat close up with a lump and an my eyes well up with tears,  as I bite my quivering lip.

I realized along the way, that life continues to "happen" even if I'd rather it didn't.   I think we'd be ready to climb back in to living life the way we used to before becoming engaged in the pursuit of a family.  Travels, leisure, friendships - the rich experiences of life - have been dulled by the unhappiness of the failures of my reproductive system.  I want to feel carefree - as carefree as a childless woman and her husband can without looking ridiculous.

I'm a woman who, however, reserves the right to change her mind.

So, I'm wondering if we come to some kind of truce.  Please?  Can you trust that when I have something to share about the state of my ovaries and/or uterus that is noteworthy that I will be here with bells on to let the world in on it all?  I'm not ready to do a play-by-play - because as soon as I do, I'll have the email filter struggling to keep up. 

The reasons why I haven't cycled yet are personal, and I am not comfortable discussing them in a public forum like the internets.  They are real and raw, and they are private.  But they are also due in some part to the negative reactions that have come to me without my solicitation for opinions.

For what is worth, to those that need to know these kinds of things - I have passed along any "gifts" that arrived that were close to expiration, and as crazy as it might seem, I have not yet cashed Julie's check.  I will when it comes time to use it.  Until then I'm hoping that it earns Julie's account a bit of interest that she can use for her own pursuits, or she can donate to her monthly benefactors.  (Please help by clicking through on her blogads.  As she says, "Won't hurt, might help.")

The reasons why I haven't cycled yet are personal, and I am not comfortable discussing them in a public forum like the internets.  They are real and profound, and they are private.  I feel like I'm on a loop; same shit, different day.

I feel raw.  I feel depressed.   I am sad. 

Today was our due date.  Our daughter would have been three.  3.  Let's not forget February sucks.

I feel blessed, however, that so many of you are so caring and kind.  I'd like to keep that first and foremost in my mind.  You don't have to tread lightly, and I love to hear from you.  Well, most of you.

Thanks for your patience with me.

Comments

[Beachgal]

Just a lurker chiming in. How dare people get all up in your business about such a personal decision. I guess they must be perfect (however,I'm sure they really have more flaws than the rest of us.)

Best of luck to you and it was nice to see you poking your head out.

[Pam]

I'm glad to see you popped your head out. Although never commenting in the past, I just wanted to that those who think that they are so righteous, high and mighty and feel they have the right to tell you or anyone else how they should have a child are ignorant to the world around them. Our world is not black and white. There is not one way in which to build a family. Many of us are on the IF train but we all get off at different stops. I would have loved to have been one of those who get disembark at IUI or even IVF my own eggs, but I can't. My stop is donor eggs and although it saddens me at times that our child will not biologically be mine, I've come to embrace this option because the child will be mine in every other sense of the word. Nobody can possible understand what anyone else has been through if they haven't ridden that train at some time. So for those who feel they can send you nasty emails, berating you for your choices, truly live in a very small box, and are very small minded. I'm glad to see you're still around and I really hope that the surrogate plan works out for you.

[DD]

I've been thisclose to sending you an email on the side wanting to know how you were doing. I guess we forget that just because we share an almost unnatural tendency to share every nuance of ourselves during our treatments/non-treatment, that not everyone feels the same.

Yes, I wanted to know how you were doing, but I figured when you were ready to update, you would do so. I knew you were out there as evidence by the support you have shown me. In many ways, it was enough to know you were there.

I'm glad you posted. Even if it had been a couple of sentences regarding the status of lint in your belly-button (now, I have NO idea who would do such a thing...)

[amanda]

I'm glad you posted. I'm sorry about today. You're in my thoughts.

[Lut C.]

The price to pay for blogging? It's a shame it has to be that way.

I hope the loop starts singing a more pleasant tune soon.

[Leggy]

I'm glad you posted. I am so sorry about the anniversary- they are always so damn hard.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm a little chickensh*t to have gone password protection. And really it was more about people I know not finding me than the crazy lunies out there. But when I think of the trainwreck people and what they did to Barren Mare, Karen (Naked Ovary) and Manuela, it just eats me up and I just couldn't stomach the thought of laying it all out there for all the Internets to see. Why to people feel the need to comment (either to make fun of or to criticize) other people's choices?
I totally respect your need for more privacy right now. But know that we miss you when you aren't around as much.
Thinking of you...

[Tara]

Wow...I'm sorry about the reaction you've had in response to your pursuit of surrogacy. I'm really kindof shocked. :( And really saddened.

And I'm sorry about today and what should have been.

[P.]

I have been thinking about you... thanks for updating. I understand your need for privacy right now and I totally respect it. If and when you are ready to share we will be here.

[perceval]

Y'know, it's so easy for people who've never been in this situation to tell others to "just" adopt, "just" do one more IVF, "just" relax. You need to do what's right for YOU and YOUR partner in YOUR situation.

Thinking if you.

[Woody's Girl]

My heart aches for what should have been happening in your family, 3 years ago today. I'm also greatly saddened to hear that you've been getting less-than-supportive emails from people. How awful!

I wish you all the best, Boulder, and sincerely hope that Plan Z works for you.

With admiration,
Jennifer

[Erica]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Boulder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so relieved to hear from you. I am sorry that I put some pressure on you to report, but actually we'll be happy with a little tidbit on ANYTHING from you, doesn't have to be about cycling or lack thereof.

And, as one who built her family thru adoption (hahaha, after a failed donor egg cycle or two, and a uterus surgery or 3, and about 5 failed IVFs with her own eggs) I will KICK ANYBODY'S ASS who picks on you about how you want to try to start a family. It is nobody's business but your own how you do that, and we are here to support you 1,000%, man!

I just want to tell you that there are so many people who miss you, and wish you well.

May the Scwartz be With You.

[thalya]

I'm so very pleased to hear from you, I was wondering along with all of the others, about how you were doing. I also just read your february post. What a horrible month for you. I'll be here hoping that this February is a respite rather than another set of traumas.

[millie]

What a lovely thing to see today! Your post, I mean.

I hope this month passes as quickly for you as it can.

As for those emails from horrid people, I'd be happy to take care of them for you.

Thinking of you.

[Stacy]

It's nice to hear from you. I wish it was under better circumstances. I am surprised that others would be against surrogacy. I think it's a wonderful idea and I hope you will ahve the opportunity to do it and of course that it will work. You and your husband do whats best for you!

[Sami]

For those that feel the need to judge, persecute, etc - go take a hike. I'm sorry February sucks... I hope that February passes quickly and that you and your husband are able to do surrogacy whenever it is that you want to. I think everyone wanted to make sure you were okay... we kind of stick around like super glue - some of the things (people) that stick are good and others (bad people) are bad... may the ones that are good stick around and support you in whatever way you need... Here's hoping, wishing, praying for the best for both you and your husband whatever that may be.

[Kirsten]

Miss you. I have routinly checked your blog for so long. I sort of got used to seeing the word "Limbo" at the top of my screen. Please know that I am here if you ever need to talk.

[T]

Opinions, assholes, etc. It's infuriating to me when someone tells someone else how to behave - that's happening a lot lately. Bastards!

I'm sorry about February and everything (but it is nice to hear from you!).

Take care and know we're thinking of you.

[Soralis]

You have been through so much I am so sorry that you have had to deal with hurtful emails. I am glad to see you around and wish you success in your next cycle.

Take care & missed you

[JennyK]

February sucks, but thank God it's also the shortest month. I'm glad you're still there, but so very sad that you've been reduced to filtering crap when you really just deserve support.

If there's ever anything I can help with as you go through the steps, PLEASE let me know. Until you're ready to share with the world, know that for every jerk you have to filter out, there are 5000 people cheering you on. And I'm one of them.

[Kimmer]

So nice to hear from you and thanks for the update, also sorry about Feb, just sucks.
Don't let those bastards get you down either, your choose is all yours, you shouldn't have to defend yourself!

[Lioness]

February sucks, yes. And I'm so sorry, Boulder. I hope you're able to have your child the way you want to, and I wish people were not such bloody awful cowards, judging when they should be minding their own business. I hope, above all, that you find peace. I wish I could erase so much from these last years.

We'll be here.

[M]

Thinking of you. Be well.

[tess]

very glad to see you're back and earning us money, o. someone's gotta pay for my annual trip to punxsathoney. xox g.
ps - my dad left you a comment on my blog.

[MichelleL]

Very happy to hear from you but do wish things were going better. You do what you need to feel good about your life -- bottom line.

Although I assumed that you would've passed on the "gift" if not used by you personally, thanks for confirming that.

I do hope things look brighter very soon and all the best with whatever you decide to do about kids. Know that I support whatever path you find is right for your family.

[dawn in ky]

we love u boulder

[Tammy]

Phil? Phil Conners? I thought that was you...

I'm so glad to see your post. I've missed you sugar.
xoxo

[Natalee]

I just wanted to say "good luck" (as inadequate as that may sound) to you, no matter what your future holds.

PS: Fuck the naysaying assholes-may karma bite them in their nosy, opinionated asses.

[Melina]

I'm sorry that we humans struggle to not be asses. As a stranger I wish you grace and strength and love.

[Pamplemousse]

Smooches, sweetie. So glad to hear from you.

[Shelley]

I am so glad to hear from you, but so sorry that such nasty people have found you. And I am deeply sorry about this sad anniversary, and for the loss of our beautiful daughter.

I wish you peace and strength as you deal with whatever it is that's holding you back from cycling, and totally respect your need for privacy in that process. I do confess to hoping, hoping, hoping to one day come back to hear that Julie's check has been cashed, and you're going for it. But by all means take the time you need to get there. We'll be here for you regardless.

[Kirsten]

Thinking of you.

[niobe]

I'm also considering a gestational surrogate I recently lost twins to preeclampsia and am told that my risk of developing it in a future pregnancy is extremely high, putting both my life and the baby's life at risk.

Trying to prepare myself -- on what possible basis could people disapprove or say that working with a surrogate is wrong or immoral?

I am so sorry for all the pain you've suffered -- and are still suffering.

[Spacemom]

I am sorry about your anniversary. They are sad, I know.

Please don't let those A$$es get to you. This is your family. You have to right to build it however you want. And, I have a friend who recently lent her uterus to another couple who finally have their child. She is beyond joy with how much happiness she brought another family. There is nothing wrong with a surrogate. Nothing wrong with doing what you need to for your family.