B0ULDER'S BoxCars

A summation of 2008, with thoughts on 2009

I really should emphasize that I'm not a meme person. You tag me? I'm really unlikely to get around to it. It feels like homework, and I always put that off to the last minute. Actually, if possible, to after the last minute by asking for an extension. Such is my life. However, if I stumble upon something and feel a need to unload a few thoughts I might just do it. This is a long one, and I apologize. You'll see my sentiments about our President-Elect, and you may find a few tidbits about what has been going on in my life. If you have questions feel free to ask them. If you feel like sharing or have done this already, would you post it here, or link to it? I'm feeling empathetic and curious, as well as a bit pulled-back from life, and would love to be drawn out a bit.  Or join me on facebook here.

Are you kidding me?

So.  What would you think if you discovered after flipping another year on the odometer of life and,  despite your best intentions feel older than ever, have just heard that there is a chance that you might have infertility coverage on your new insurance?

No, really.  What would you think?

Happy Birthday to Me?

As you might imagine aging isn't the thing that an infertile person most likes to do.  I mean it doesn't rank up there in my favorite pastimes.  Travel?  Sure.  Lazing by a pool? Absolutely.  Spending time with my husband?  You bet. 

Turning another year over in the book of life?  Not so much.

Imagine my surprise in discovering that I actually managed to enjoy myself this weekend.  My husband was up to the task of being agreeable to almost anything, well everything when I think about it, I wanted to do from about 12pm on Friday to bedtime this evening.

We went for a great salad with shaved ribeye steak and spicy dressing one day, when I'm typically loath to spend money out food out of the house.  We lazed around the pool each afternoon enjoying a newly created playlist of my favorite songs on the iPod.  We shared a sundae from a restaurant that was kind enough to send me a free coupon for my birthday.  He patiently handed me soaps from a high shelf in a bath shop when I was trying to decide on a scent for the new soap bottle.  We watched things that we haven't had the time to this summer, and finally know how a few shows settled out at the end of their seasons.  Last night I made an end of summer blueberry crumble.  Today we used a gift card we were given at least 2 Christmas seasons ago, and enjoyed an amazing cup of French onion soup and split a hamburger, and then spent a last afternoon by the pool.

As I was wrapping up the day and thinking about my new age, I realized that together we'd simply relished the company we had, and rather than race around accomplishing things, we took each day in stride.  It didn't take anything particularly glamorous, or even expensive.  It was, however, lovely.

I highly recommend it, as it is good for the soul.  I'm happier than I've felt in months.

Then I got a nice email that was the equivalent to a night cap.  Apparently, Guy Kawasaki's (he of the famed Apple evangelist title in a previous incarnation) latest enterprise, alltop.com, has opened a new topic on infertility.  

It made my heart breath a happy sigh to think that the topic of infertility has their interest in coverage, and to think that the next woman with an inkling or diagnosis of infertility who wonders where she will find kindred souls might have another way to connect with those of us who are already in the trenches. 

The thing that I like most about alltop.com is that you can go look at their index and click through on any topic and be greeted with a great compilation of websites along with their RSS feeds showing each sites most recent postings.  If you like a website, you can either continue to follow them on alltop.com or you can grab their RSS feed and bring it to your favorite aggregator (Google Reader, Bloglines, etcetera, or my personal favorite NetNewsWire.)

Oh, a little happy bit?  I'm on their list.  Go check it out (I get nothing from sending you there) and bookmark it for a link to get to the next new infertile you meet or for a friend who is still struggling.

That would make my birthday weekend seem simply over the top.

(PS - You do know that I'm twittering as "bboulderr" and am on facebook as "Bo Ulder" right?)

Five years

It still hurts. There is a hole in my life, and I don't think it will ever be filled. I don't know which hurts more.

Oh, please.

If I was the lucky one, don't you think you'd have heard it from ME? 

However, I'm beyond thrilled for the actual person who has a brand spanking new baby! 

I'm going to play along with Tertia, though, and keep up the suspense - even though I know who it is!!!

Thank you for the very, very kind thoughts, though!

xoxo

The things you learn along the way

Here I've been sinking my money and time firstly in education, secondly in travel, thirdly in medical interventions, fourthly in gonal-f (oh the gonal-f, in which I've partaken), and most recently in my latest favorite beverage a Reyka tonic with a lime twist.   Now I find out that tequila was the answer to my infertile meanderings. I don't know about you, but all I ever got was violently ill, worshipping porcelain gods in my wayward youth.  (and ps - to the writer, while otherwise hilarious? retard?  really?  the best choice you had?)

Her Very Own Shower

Hello Everyone who loves Akeeyu. Boulder here.

I think it is time for another shower hosted on my site. This time, however, we'll focus on what will really help Akeeyu, Sam, Fitz-Hume and Millbarge via a paypal button instead of a mountain of packages in her garage.  (Though, seriously?  Best photo ever.  It still makes me cry to see that.)

I chatted with Akeeyu many nights on her 90+ days of bedrest, and as funny as it sounds, she really helped me more than I feel I ever helped her. This will be my way of giving back. Once things have settled down a bit in her life, I'll be happy to help her set up her own paypal button.

If you would like to help, please know that if funds are tight for your family that a link to this post letting other people know will also help tremendously.

Let me go on record here that I fully apologize if you came here looking for news and an update from my little world.  I'd like to offer you an olive branch, and say that I will update you all here once I've given everyone a chance to see this posting for Akeeyu.

Thank you for your kinds thoughts for Akeeyu, Sam, Millbarge & Fitz-Hume.

A Little Levity

Is is just me, or do most of these look better than some of your own embryo photos just before transfer?

Also, I wondered via email to Julie about this study.  I mean do I just order a small pine seedling (endometriosis is one of my lesser of my reproductive evils - no need for a Rockefeller center type specimen), insert, sit & spin?  I have a brown thumb - maybe all this time, I've had a green vagina just waiting for its chance to shine?

To all of you who have left such warm comments, encouraging me to stand strong, I would like to say thank you.  It is nice to know I'm not alone.

PS - Do you know today is the birthday of my good friend Tess?

"Sweet vermouth on the rocks with a twist."

A friend alluded to Punxsutawney Phil in an IM conversation very recently, and in an homage to her, and in honor one of another friend's (and my) favorites movies, Groundhog Day, I feel compelled to stick my head out and see if my shadow is there.

I may head back for the duration of another 6 weeks winter, or I may just keep trying until I get it right.

I have received many great emails gently inquiring as to my well being, and the state of affairs of my ovaries and uterus.  I'm sorry I haven't posted to let you know what is up, or more specifically what isn't.

Julie's beautiful quilt changed who I am forever.  It made me less cynical about life.  It also made me realize, more than ever, that I've never been in this alone.  For that, and all of you who participated I can't express the depth of my gratitude.

Sadly, however, I've also acquired a following that I'd like to invite to leave me the fuck alone.  There is a population out there that has found it necessary to unleash, on a fairly regular basis. Their sentiments on the inherent "evil" of deciding to have another woman (hopefully) deliver a child for us.  I won't dignify them by printing the choice words that have been flung at my husband and me - at least I don't think I will.  I may if it continues.  Some of them are pathetically funny.

You'd cringe if you saw the filters I've set on my email to route the nastiness to my proverbial circular file.   Many, who are bombarding me with other "options" to parenthood, or who are questioning my "selfishness," I like to invite to walk a few years in my shoes.  And live in my mind.   

I love the idea of adoption.  For other people.  I love the idea of donor eggs and embryos.  For other people.  I enthusiastically follow the stories on blogs of people building their families by these means.  I'm thrilled to see the joy that comes to the lives of these parents.

I'm just not there yet for our family building experience.

I can't seem to reconcile that in to my life.  At some point I may very well welcome these choices for our future, but I am not ready.  Frankly, neither is my husband.

I think it is more realistic for us, when we look to the future, to see ourselves as childless.  The scars we have from our experiences and losses have aged us in ways we didn't think possible.  If surrogacy doesn't work, I think we'll be done with the notion of having a child by any other means.  That very thought makes my throat close up with a lump and an my eyes well up with tears,  as I bite my quivering lip.

I realized along the way, that life continues to "happen" even if I'd rather it didn't.   I think we'd be ready to climb back in to living life the way we used to before becoming engaged in the pursuit of a family.  Travels, leisure, friendships - the rich experiences of life - have been dulled by the unhappiness of the failures of my reproductive system.  I want to feel carefree - as carefree as a childless woman and her husband can without looking ridiculous.

I'm a woman who, however, reserves the right to change her mind.

So, I'm wondering if we come to some kind of truce.  Please?  Can you trust that when I have something to share about the state of my ovaries and/or uterus that is noteworthy that I will be here with bells on to let the world in on it all?  I'm not ready to do a play-by-play - because as soon as I do, I'll have the email filter struggling to keep up. 

The reasons why I haven't cycled yet are personal, and I am not comfortable discussing them in a public forum like the internets.  They are real and raw, and they are private.  But they are also due in some part to the negative reactions that have come to me without my solicitation for opinions.

For what is worth, to those that need to know these kinds of things - I have passed along any "gifts" that arrived that were close to expiration, and as crazy as it might seem, I have not yet cashed Julie's check.  I will when it comes time to use it.  Until then I'm hoping that it earns Julie's account a bit of interest that she can use for her own pursuits, or she can donate to her monthly benefactors.  (Please help by clicking through on her blogads.  As she says, "Won't hurt, might help.")

The reasons why I haven't cycled yet are personal, and I am not comfortable discussing them in a public forum like the internets.  They are real and profound, and they are private.  I feel like I'm on a loop; same shit, different day.

I feel raw.  I feel depressed.   I am sad. 

Today was our due date.  Our daughter would have been three.  3.  Let's not forget February sucks.

I feel blessed, however, that so many of you are so caring and kind.  I'd like to keep that first and foremost in my mind.  You don't have to tread lightly, and I love to hear from you.  Well, most of you.

Thanks for your patience with me.

Limbo

My assignment, courtesy of Julie, is to let you all know how things are going lately.  I have typed out snippets, only to erase them moments later.  I’ve considered IM’ing Julie and asking her to delay posting anything so that I might craft something clever or profound. 

I’ve done my best to convey to those of you that have participated in Julie’s raffle of the quilt (which I covet), how profoundly touched I am that Julie would sacrifice this quilt, being so generous of her time, her artistry, her very being, and how many of you have felt my pain, and have helped to heal the hole in my soul.

Once again – a profound thanks.

(I’ll make this admission here – I had to continually remind myself that buying my own chances for that quilt was counterproductive, and that it might be awkward to have Julie announce ‘And the winner of the quilt raffle for Boulder, is…..er, Boulder?!”)

But here’s the thing.  Surrogacy?  It is really, really hard some days.  I consider myself an absolute professional when in comes to IVF.  I mean, if they’d let me, I could probably do the whole process from start to finish (though awkwardly) without any supervision. 

Now I have these new tasks to factor in.  Lawyers, contracts, mock cycles, psychology appointments, and so much more.  I feel like I need to make a bullet point list with each step along the way to mark off, so that I can sense the light at the end of the tunnel – and know it isn’t a freight train.

I find myself feeling absolutely overwhelmed some days.  I feel paralyzed.  I want to procrastinate.  And then I find myself trying to figure out why when something is so important to me – why don’t I just dive in and tackle the issues?

Then I realize – it is because I’m at the end of my path.  I’m at plan “z” - what if it doesn’t work?

Then I freeze.   

I understand philosophically that inaction is, in fact, action.  But I think I’m protecting my heart from breaking in to pieces around me. 

My cycle in February was delayed.  I was hoping to get going this past week.  My clinic, however, has just thrown me a major curve ball.  (An aside - any gifts that I received which had a shortened shelf live were passed on to ladies in need - thank you.)

We are now required (due to a FDA ruling from May 2005) to quarantine my husband’s sperm for 6 months.  Once that quarantine time has passed and he’s shown to be clear of things like HIV, Hep B, Hep C, and CMG, to name a few, then they will let us do a fresh cycle with a transfer to our surrogate.  Where I’m frustrated is that this is the first time this issue has come up.

I’ve been told it is because the clinic follows “SART” guidelines. I cannot find these “guidelines,” but have found this (go ahead and read it – I’ll wait):

QUARANTINE REQUIREMENTS

1. Eggs and embryos need not be quarantined.
In the preamble to the proposed rule, FDA stated that reproductive cells and tissues that can reliably be stored should be quarantined for at least 6 months so that the donor could be retested and determined to eligible. FDA listed spermatozoa and sperm progenitor cells as examples of those that maintain function and integrity during storage. ASRM submitted comments to FDA urging them not to require storage of oocytes and embryos, and in the final rule FDA did clarify that they did not intend the quarantine and retesting requirement to apply to embryos and oocytes. The six-month quarantine requirement in §1271.60(a) and the re-testing requirement in §1271.85(d) apply only to anonymous semen donors
2. Semen.
The six-month quarantine requirement in §1271.60(a) and the re-testing requirement in §1271.85(d) apply only to anonymous semen donors. Also, you do not have to obtain a specimen for testing at each donation from a repeat anonymous donor, so long as the initial specimen was tested and you do not release any of the donations until after the donor has been retested at least six months post-donation.

Source [ASRM]

I do not want to become persnickety with my clinic.  I have an excellent relationship with all of the people at the clinic, and with my RE, in particular.  But this new interpretation is unsettling to me.

Why is it that ASRM appears to be indicating that a known donor does not need to be quarantined – yet SART is not in agreement with the amended ruling?

Does anyone out there have a clinic that is not following the rationale of my clinic?  Are they affiliated with SART?  Does anyone have access to the SART guidelines for me to read? (If you do, would you please email me?)

Several kind readers have shared their personal experiences, and I’m finding differing interpretations – and would love to be able to present alternatives to my RE, whom I find to be receptive to my input.

So, we are in quarantine mode.  And I’m hoping that in the 22 minutes I spend away from my husband each day, there isn’t any deviant behavior that will jeopardize the quarantine.  I’m very clear with my expectations for him.

He can do heroin – just not in the living room.