B0ULDER'S BoxCars

A Little Levity

Is is just me, or do most of these look better than some of your own embryo photos just before transfer?

Also, I wondered via email to Julie about this study.  I mean do I just order a small pine seedling (endometriosis is one of my lesser of my reproductive evils - no need for a Rockefeller center type specimen), insert, sit & spin?  I have a brown thumb - maybe all this time, I've had a green vagina just waiting for its chance to shine?

To all of you who have left such warm comments, encouraging me to stand strong, I would like to say thank you.  It is nice to know I'm not alone.

PS - Do you know today is the birthday of my good friend Tess?

"Sweet vermouth on the rocks with a twist."

A friend alluded to Punxsutawney Phil in an IM conversation very recently, and in an homage to her, and in honor one of another friend's (and my) favorites movies, Groundhog Day, I feel compelled to stick my head out and see if my shadow is there.

I may head back for the duration of another 6 weeks winter, or I may just keep trying until I get it right.

I have received many great emails gently inquiring as to my well being, and the state of affairs of my ovaries and uterus.  I'm sorry I haven't posted to let you know what is up, or more specifically what isn't.

Julie's beautiful quilt changed who I am forever.  It made me less cynical about life.  It also made me realize, more than ever, that I've never been in this alone.  For that, and all of you who participated I can't express the depth of my gratitude.

Sadly, however, I've also acquired a following that I'd like to invite to leave me the fuck alone.  There is a population out there that has found it necessary to unleash, on a fairly regular basis. Their sentiments on the inherent "evil" of deciding to have another woman (hopefully) deliver a child for us.  I won't dignify them by printing the choice words that have been flung at my husband and me - at least I don't think I will.  I may if it continues.  Some of them are pathetically funny.

You'd cringe if you saw the filters I've set on my email to route the nastiness to my proverbial circular file.   Many, who are bombarding me with other "options" to parenthood, or who are questioning my "selfishness," I like to invite to walk a few years in my shoes.  And live in my mind.   

I love the idea of adoption.  For other people.  I love the idea of donor eggs and embryos.  For other people.  I enthusiastically follow the stories on blogs of people building their families by these means.  I'm thrilled to see the joy that comes to the lives of these parents.

I'm just not there yet for our family building experience.

I can't seem to reconcile that in to my life.  At some point I may very well welcome these choices for our future, but I am not ready.  Frankly, neither is my husband.

I think it is more realistic for us, when we look to the future, to see ourselves as childless.  The scars we have from our experiences and losses have aged us in ways we didn't think possible.  If surrogacy doesn't work, I think we'll be done with the notion of having a child by any other means.  That very thought makes my throat close up with a lump and an my eyes well up with tears,  as I bite my quivering lip.

I realized along the way, that life continues to "happen" even if I'd rather it didn't.   I think we'd be ready to climb back in to living life the way we used to before becoming engaged in the pursuit of a family.  Travels, leisure, friendships - the rich experiences of life - have been dulled by the unhappiness of the failures of my reproductive system.  I want to feel carefree - as carefree as a childless woman and her husband can without looking ridiculous.

I'm a woman who, however, reserves the right to change her mind.

So, I'm wondering if we come to some kind of truce.  Please?  Can you trust that when I have something to share about the state of my ovaries and/or uterus that is noteworthy that I will be here with bells on to let the world in on it all?  I'm not ready to do a play-by-play - because as soon as I do, I'll have the email filter struggling to keep up. 

The reasons why I haven't cycled yet are personal, and I am not comfortable discussing them in a public forum like the internets.  They are real and raw, and they are private.  But they are also due in some part to the negative reactions that have come to me without my solicitation for opinions.

For what is worth, to those that need to know these kinds of things - I have passed along any "gifts" that arrived that were close to expiration, and as crazy as it might seem, I have not yet cashed Julie's check.  I will when it comes time to use it.  Until then I'm hoping that it earns Julie's account a bit of interest that she can use for her own pursuits, or she can donate to her monthly benefactors.  (Please help by clicking through on her blogads.  As she says, "Won't hurt, might help.")

The reasons why I haven't cycled yet are personal, and I am not comfortable discussing them in a public forum like the internets.  They are real and profound, and they are private.  I feel like I'm on a loop; same shit, different day.

I feel raw.  I feel depressed.   I am sad. 

Today was our due date.  Our daughter would have been three.  3.  Let's not forget February sucks.

I feel blessed, however, that so many of you are so caring and kind.  I'd like to keep that first and foremost in my mind.  You don't have to tread lightly, and I love to hear from you.  Well, most of you.

Thanks for your patience with me.

Limbo

My assignment, courtesy of Julie, is to let you all know how things are going lately.  I have typed out snippets, only to erase them moments later.  I’ve considered IM’ing Julie and asking her to delay posting anything so that I might craft something clever or profound. 

I’ve done my best to convey to those of you that have participated in Julie’s raffle of the quilt (which I covet), how profoundly touched I am that Julie would sacrifice this quilt, being so generous of her time, her artistry, her very being, and how many of you have felt my pain, and have helped to heal the hole in my soul.

Once again – a profound thanks.

(I’ll make this admission here – I had to continually remind myself that buying my own chances for that quilt was counterproductive, and that it might be awkward to have Julie announce ‘And the winner of the quilt raffle for Boulder, is…..er, Boulder?!”)

But here’s the thing.  Surrogacy?  It is really, really hard some days.  I consider myself an absolute professional when in comes to IVF.  I mean, if they’d let me, I could probably do the whole process from start to finish (though awkwardly) without any supervision. 

Now I have these new tasks to factor in.  Lawyers, contracts, mock cycles, psychology appointments, and so much more.  I feel like I need to make a bullet point list with each step along the way to mark off, so that I can sense the light at the end of the tunnel – and know it isn’t a freight train.

I find myself feeling absolutely overwhelmed some days.  I feel paralyzed.  I want to procrastinate.  And then I find myself trying to figure out why when something is so important to me – why don’t I just dive in and tackle the issues?

Then I realize – it is because I’m at the end of my path.  I’m at plan “z” - what if it doesn’t work?

Then I freeze.   

I understand philosophically that inaction is, in fact, action.  But I think I’m protecting my heart from breaking in to pieces around me. 

My cycle in February was delayed.  I was hoping to get going this past week.  My clinic, however, has just thrown me a major curve ball.  (An aside - any gifts that I received which had a shortened shelf live were passed on to ladies in need - thank you.)

We are now required (due to a FDA ruling from May 2005) to quarantine my husband’s sperm for 6 months.  Once that quarantine time has passed and he’s shown to be clear of things like HIV, Hep B, Hep C, and CMG, to name a few, then they will let us do a fresh cycle with a transfer to our surrogate.  Where I’m frustrated is that this is the first time this issue has come up.

I’ve been told it is because the clinic follows “SART” guidelines. I cannot find these “guidelines,” but have found this (go ahead and read it – I’ll wait):

QUARANTINE REQUIREMENTS

1. Eggs and embryos need not be quarantined.
In the preamble to the proposed rule, FDA stated that reproductive cells and tissues that can reliably be stored should be quarantined for at least 6 months so that the donor could be retested and determined to eligible. FDA listed spermatozoa and sperm progenitor cells as examples of those that maintain function and integrity during storage. ASRM submitted comments to FDA urging them not to require storage of oocytes and embryos, and in the final rule FDA did clarify that they did not intend the quarantine and retesting requirement to apply to embryos and oocytes. The six-month quarantine requirement in §1271.60(a) and the re-testing requirement in §1271.85(d) apply only to anonymous semen donors
2. Semen.
The six-month quarantine requirement in §1271.60(a) and the re-testing requirement in §1271.85(d) apply only to anonymous semen donors. Also, you do not have to obtain a specimen for testing at each donation from a repeat anonymous donor, so long as the initial specimen was tested and you do not release any of the donations until after the donor has been retested at least six months post-donation.

Source [ASRM]

I do not want to become persnickety with my clinic.  I have an excellent relationship with all of the people at the clinic, and with my RE, in particular.  But this new interpretation is unsettling to me.

Why is it that ASRM appears to be indicating that a known donor does not need to be quarantined – yet SART is not in agreement with the amended ruling?

Does anyone out there have a clinic that is not following the rationale of my clinic?  Are they affiliated with SART?  Does anyone have access to the SART guidelines for me to read? (If you do, would you please email me?)

Several kind readers have shared their personal experiences, and I’m finding differing interpretations – and would love to be able to present alternatives to my RE, whom I find to be receptive to my input.

So, we are in quarantine mode.  And I’m hoping that in the 22 minutes I spend away from my husband each day, there isn’t any deviant behavior that will jeopardize the quarantine.  I’m very clear with my expectations for him.

He can do heroin – just not in the living room.

Screw E=MC2

Sometimes you have to just say, "Fuck it," and have some fun.  Go here to do the same.

A long time coming.

For those poor souls who have kept clicking on my "About Page," I have some good news.  I have finally updated it a bit.  I did it as a chart though to keep it easier to see what I've been up to and against, rather than in a narrative style.  Frankly, no one has that kind of time, and I have no desire to relive the past at this point in my life.  It is all there for me to work through some day, but not now.

Ugh.  What a few years I've had.  See all about them over there ==>

Could my luck be changing?

Day Three Labs
LH	2.8
E2	59.0
FSH	7.6

A few weeks ago, at the request of my RE (who is out of state), I went to my new doctor and had day 3 lab work drawn.  Now, I should say that this new doctor is a general practitioner, and that he fully confessed that his knowledge of the results would be limited.  But, he had a lab facility as part of his office suite, and I needed other blood work done as well, so it SEEMED like a good idea to get it all done at once. 

I don't know if you've dealt with a general practitioner for lab results recently, but I really owe my RE's office a debt of gratitude for how quickly they manage to turn around the results.  Holy crap this lab took a long time.  I enquired with the phlebotomist when I could expect the results to come back - only because she was the onsite representative for the lab, which has many other offices and draw facilities - and she'd said, on a Wednesday morning, that perhaps by Friday or the following Monday. 

On Tuesday when I still had not heard anything I contacted the doctor's office and enquired to see if they knew the results or their whereabouts.  And then on Wednesday when I spoke with the office directly and not a voicemail, they said the results were not on site yet, and not in my chart.  The told me that the doctor was going out on vacation and they could be on his desk, etc.  I let them know that I'd already spoken with the doctor and we'd agreed that since he would not be able to interpret the results relative to an IVF cycle that the office would send them directly to me.  This is when I also learned, by chance, that I should not expect the results to be listed on my patient voicemail, but rather the office would call them and recite them to my phone.  I asked, instead that they be faxed to me, so that I could send them on to my RE.

So on Thursday when I still hadn't seen a call or fax from the office, I began to let my neurosis get the better of me.  Seriously.  *My FSH must be sky high!  My other bloodwork must be really bad news.  The doctor is out on vacation, and the nurse can't call me because the doctor needs to tell me in person or something.*  You cannot fathom how my imagination ran wild!

And finally on Friday morning, I called again and implored the office that I must know what has happened, and whether I needed to schedule another appointment in case the lab had lost my blood, or the paperwork hadn't been properly transmitted, or whatever.  The nurse called back to say she'd *just* gotten them back, and that she could send them by mail if I liked.  By MAIL.  (I think I might have popped a blood vessel when that was offered up.)  I reminded her of the fax number, and she said she'd do that.  Before I got off the phone, I said I'd call within 30 minutes if I hadn't seen them (I was away from the fax at that point - figures, right?). 

Can you guess the next thing?  Yep, fax didn't come through.  I called the receptionist and said I'd be over in 5 minutes to pick them up.

When I got there I'd steeled myself to see the dreaded numbers that would move me from being a poor responder into the "high FSH" realm too.  To numbers that would preclude me from my RE's advising me to attempt this last cycle.  We've been planning on after the first of the year, but a high FSH would have been the trump card to that notion.

My RE has officially said these results look good (at 41.25, I think so!), and we can go ahead. 

Amen.

PS - to those who have contacted me about meds, thank you.  My heart has been warmed from a heavy frost by your thoughtfulness.  I have a big habit - 11 days at 600IU of stims a day, so every little bit will help.

Can I Copy your Homework?

I realize that woman who pursue surrogacy are in the teeny-tiny (very technical term, sorry) minority of IF women.  I am interested, however, in knowing whether any of you (yourselves or via friends that you could point my way) could help me out.

My surrogate-to-be and I have ironed out 99 percent of our big and small points, and we are going to have to have attorneys get involved (by nature of our partnership) to draw up and approve our "agreement" from her perspective and from mine.  What I would like to do, however, is minimize the time that we invest in the surrogacy-attorney part of our fiscal venture.

Meaning, money that would unnecessarily go to an attorney would instead go to my surrogate-to-be, and to stim cycles/meds for me. 

I have that lucky double-whammy, poor response AND (yay!) a crap uterus.  So, I'm thinking that it will be more than one stim cycle to get anything with which we might actually be able to try a surrogacy

So, with the idea that we are not foregoing attorneys, but wanting to make sure we can reduce the number of "well, what about this?" and "let's call her attorney" situations, it would be wonderful if we could borrow someone else's homework and copy it, replacing the pertinent points that we have hammered out together already.  Then we could walk into above mentioned attorney's offices and say, "Please review this, and make certain it is valid in the appropriate states." as opposed to "Please draw this up for us."

I'm perfectly thrilled to receive crossed out redacted examples, I don't need to see the names or the amounts or anything, just the language.  And we all know that the more homework to copy from means a more better grade for us.  (Kidding!) Well, kind of....

Thanks to anyone who might read this and help. 

PS - I've seen "sample" contracts from the internets that are very boiler-plate, but I'm worried that they aren't too real world.

Life and Choice, My Perspective

Editorial Comment:  I wrote about this on Tertia's site, and decided to include it here as a way of helping people who stumble on to my blog understand my feelings and opinions. Tertia asks several inter-related questions about abortion (including implying what our stance on abortion is): When does life begin? How does this play against abortion? And of course, at what price life? Is it life at all costs? And whose life takes precedent?

This was my response:

Here you have gone & done it again - a taboo subject; a subject that is divisive; a topic that can make friendly folk become bitter opponents.

I have my own opinions, and I am loath to out myself.  Not because I don't have an opinion that I feel matters, but more because I feel that too many people JUDGE so quickly without walking in my shoes. In fact, I came here a few times to see what was written, and it was 0 comments for a while. And then I though, I must write something.

My choices are not necessarily what someone else would agree to, but that is where I am passionate. My opinions and choices should be private and mine alone. And those of someone who disagrees with me should belong to them alone. No matter if the opinions are pro-life or pro-choice. I feel a doctor's decision on whether to perform abortions should be the doctor's alone. I feel that if you have taken an oath to practice medicine, and have seen life come into the world, and leave the world, and choose your life's work to be a part of that process, then you should be considered able enough to judge for yourself whether you can take part in the procedure.

So I have these opinions about privacy, choice, and life, and then I think, how pitiful that we've finally come to a point in history where I'd be more comfortable proclaiming my sexual orientation, if it were not the "norm," in a public forum than I would my opinions on abortion. Such a sad statement. So, I'm not going to shy away, because - frankly - I think that a vocal group is over-shadowing a lot of us who don't want to hear the fury of their wrath. So here it is:

I am pro-choice. I believe that I have the right to know what is best for my body and my life. This extends to the greater continuum of life, as I also believe that I should be able to decide when my life has come to a point where it is time to die. I also believe that if you don't believe this, that is ok. I choose to disagree with you, but you have the right to your opinion.

How can I be an IVF veteran, with multiple miscarriages, and believe in the sanctity of choice? Because, when you use science to create the potential for life, you value it immensely, and you understand the precarious nature of it intimately. At every step along the way, every few days, you know that the potential life you want to bring into the world is the next blood test or ultrasound away from not being there any more. And if I were in the position to make the decision to have an abortion, then it would be with heavy heart and life long personal implications that I would walk into doctor's to have the procedure.

So, when does "life" begin?

I haven't the slightest clue, particularly when I review the thoughts that you've posted. With the flicker and doppler sound that you see & hear at 6 weeks, it is hard to dismiss that heartbeat. But remove it from my uterus, and it has no chance at living.

I've lost pregnancies at so many stages along the way, it seems. 8 weeks, 10 weeks, 4 months. With each passing week the potential for life is more tangible, and the loss is more painful because a relationship is established and growing.

I don't think that there is an arbitrary line that can be drawn in the sand about when "life" happens. Especially in the later stages of pregnancy, when the balance between life and death is so tenuous. With regards to IF treatments, my convictions are that it will never be "at all/any costs," so if the treatment is that way, the pregnancy would be too. In fact, I have made a promise to my husband that potential life ≠ actual life. If that battle were to play out in our lives, my actual life would be the deciding factor. I've felt the same thing in talks with my surrogate to be. Her actual life is more important than the potential life of our child(ren).

As always, I'll happily discuss any points you might like to make, but I will not tolerate disrespect or rants.  Remember, my OWN opinion is that we are all entitled to agree to disagree. 

A Woman's Worth

Why is it that I haven't seen anyone commenting on just how fucking frightening it is that women's health care in the US has taken a severe blow recently?

Is everyone aware that we are now considered so important in the landscape of our current administration that the nonsensical appointment of a VETERINARIAN as acting director of the Office of Women's Heath has occurred in 2005? 

By a veterinarian, Lester Crawford, who is now head of the FDA.  By a veterinarian who was not voted into the position earlier this year because the FDA, after 2 years, still had not voted on "Plan B." 

For the record, it should be noted that Michael O. Leavitt, Secretary of Health and Human Services, promised that the FDA would act by Sept. 1, on the "Plan B" matter and as a result senators Murray and Clinton let Crawford's nomination go through.

Unfortunately, Micheal Leavitt must have had his fingers crossed when he made that promise, because the FDA has once again delayed their decision on the matter.

So, back to the appointee:  Norris E. Alderson, PhD (that PhD, it should make me feel all warm and fuzzy?), our new head of Women's Health, has according to several sources spent his career in the FDA within the Center for Veterinary Medicine. 

Well, of course, because there are so many similarities between women's health and veterinary medicine.

Fuck. 

If you feel as outraged by this as I do, please feel free to go here and take action.

Please remember that I love most animals more than humans, and my crushes have (mostly) been on veterinarians who have taken loving care of my animals over the years.  So this isn't a veterinarian bash, but rather a "what the fuck?" statement about how an animal specialist becomes an appointee for women's health. 

Besides, everyone knows how much more competitive most veterinary schools are than medical schools, right?

Somedays it Sucks

So, I'm alive.  I'm in a funk.  A big one.  My husband invited me to stay home 2 days this week because my funk is so big. Staying home is a big deal for me because I know the business needs another owner around to watch and help with sales.  The funk has been coming for a while.

The in-law thing is huge & I hate writing about it because I don't have a solution and it pisses me off and it disturbs me and I can't wrap any logic around it.  It looms large all the time.  I think I'm going to have to cut & paste from some emails to friends in order to finish it, because revisiting it makes me feel ill.  Even now, as I typed this paragraph I wanted to hurl. 

Know what else makes me want to hurl?

The first thing you should know about me, is that I find reading trashy magazines that keep paparazzi in business to be relaxing.  Mind numbing.  It is my panacea.  A guilty pleasure.

The second thing is that my husband, ever the practical one, would rather that I have a subscription to a magazine instead of compulsively buying a few at the drugstore every few weeks or so when I need a fix of mind numbingness.  He figures our bank account still comes out further ahead - even with multiple magazine subscriptions on my part - than it would if I bought only one of them semi-regularly.  So indulge this frugality of his & receive an inundation of the magazines each Friday or Saturday.

So, back to me wanting to hurl, imagine how great it felt to be an IF last Friday evening, on the way home after a long week, when in my mail box I discover the following:

 
   

<---- Notice "hot" chick, with two babies?
         (And me with none?)
 
   

or

 

<---- Notice Britney who is looking like TWINS?
        (And me having lost twins?)
<---- Notice Angelina with possibly a baby with Brad?
        (And me with no pregnancy?  With or w/out Brad.)

or

 
(oops - low resolution - I'll google for better copy)

<---- Notice happy (now with c.r.a.z.y. Tom) couple,
        where "Katie wants kids!"
        (And me wanting same, but not having it?)

 

Ok, so now you see the depth of my need for mind numbing material, and the fact that I, clearly, am single-handedly keeping above mentioned paparazzi in business.

And if that isn't enough, I also already know that this weekend's People will include this lovely picture of Britney and this snippet about Melissa Joan Heart.  Great. 

But, my friends, that wasn't all.  I also received this:

<---- Notice 10 Fun Family Resorts article included?
        (And that I don't have a "family" -
         unless you count dogs & cats....)

Did I mention that I didn't even subscribe to this magazine?  That American Express decided I needed it & began sending it to me? 

Did I mention I don't GOLF people?

Yeah, that kind of funk. 

So, dear readers, what is your guilty pleasure?