B0ULDER'S BoxCars

A Little Levity

Is is just me, or do most of these look better than some of your own embryo photos just before transfer?

Also, I wondered via email to Julie about this study.  I mean do I just order a small pine seedling (endometriosis is one of my lesser of my reproductive evils - no need for a Rockefeller center type specimen), insert, sit & spin?  I have a brown thumb - maybe all this time, I've had a green vagina just waiting for its chance to shine?

To all of you who have left such warm comments, encouraging me to stand strong, I would like to say thank you.  It is nice to know I'm not alone.

PS - Do you know today is the birthday of my good friend Tess?

"Sweet vermouth on the rocks with a twist."

A friend alluded to Punxsutawney Phil in an IM conversation very recently, and in an homage to her, and in honor one of another friend's (and my) favorites movies, Groundhog Day, I feel compelled to stick my head out and see if my shadow is there.

I may head back for the duration of another 6 weeks winter, or I may just keep trying until I get it right.

I have received many great emails gently inquiring as to my well being, and the state of affairs of my ovaries and uterus.  I'm sorry I haven't posted to let you know what is up, or more specifically what isn't.

Julie's beautiful quilt changed who I am forever.  It made me less cynical about life.  It also made me realize, more than ever, that I've never been in this alone.  For that, and all of you who participated I can't express the depth of my gratitude.

Sadly, however, I've also acquired a following that I'd like to invite to leave me the fuck alone.  There is a population out there that has found it necessary to unleash, on a fairly regular basis. Their sentiments on the inherent "evil" of deciding to have another woman (hopefully) deliver a child for us.  I won't dignify them by printing the choice words that have been flung at my husband and me - at least I don't think I will.  I may if it continues.  Some of them are pathetically funny.

You'd cringe if you saw the filters I've set on my email to route the nastiness to my proverbial circular file.   Many, who are bombarding me with other "options" to parenthood, or who are questioning my "selfishness," I like to invite to walk a few years in my shoes.  And live in my mind.   

I love the idea of adoption.  For other people.  I love the idea of donor eggs and embryos.  For other people.  I enthusiastically follow the stories on blogs of people building their families by these means.  I'm thrilled to see the joy that comes to the lives of these parents.

I'm just not there yet for our family building experience.

I can't seem to reconcile that in to my life.  At some point I may very well welcome these choices for our future, but I am not ready.  Frankly, neither is my husband.

I think it is more realistic for us, when we look to the future, to see ourselves as childless.  The scars we have from our experiences and losses have aged us in ways we didn't think possible.  If surrogacy doesn't work, I think we'll be done with the notion of having a child by any other means.  That very thought makes my throat close up with a lump and an my eyes well up with tears,  as I bite my quivering lip.

I realized along the way, that life continues to "happen" even if I'd rather it didn't.   I think we'd be ready to climb back in to living life the way we used to before becoming engaged in the pursuit of a family.  Travels, leisure, friendships - the rich experiences of life - have been dulled by the unhappiness of the failures of my reproductive system.  I want to feel carefree - as carefree as a childless woman and her husband can without looking ridiculous.

I'm a woman who, however, reserves the right to change her mind.

So, I'm wondering if we come to some kind of truce.  Please?  Can you trust that when I have something to share about the state of my ovaries and/or uterus that is noteworthy that I will be here with bells on to let the world in on it all?  I'm not ready to do a play-by-play - because as soon as I do, I'll have the email filter struggling to keep up. 

The reasons why I haven't cycled yet are personal, and I am not comfortable discussing them in a public forum like the internets.  They are real and raw, and they are private.  But they are also due in some part to the negative reactions that have come to me without my solicitation for opinions.

For what is worth, to those that need to know these kinds of things - I have passed along any "gifts" that arrived that were close to expiration, and as crazy as it might seem, I have not yet cashed Julie's check.  I will when it comes time to use it.  Until then I'm hoping that it earns Julie's account a bit of interest that she can use for her own pursuits, or she can donate to her monthly benefactors.  (Please help by clicking through on her blogads.  As she says, "Won't hurt, might help.")

The reasons why I haven't cycled yet are personal, and I am not comfortable discussing them in a public forum like the internets.  They are real and profound, and they are private.  I feel like I'm on a loop; same shit, different day.

I feel raw.  I feel depressed.   I am sad. 

Today was our due date.  Our daughter would have been three.  3.  Let's not forget February sucks.

I feel blessed, however, that so many of you are so caring and kind.  I'd like to keep that first and foremost in my mind.  You don't have to tread lightly, and I love to hear from you.  Well, most of you.

Thanks for your patience with me.

Limbo

My assignment, courtesy of Julie, is to let you all know how things are going lately.  I have typed out snippets, only to erase them moments later.  I’ve considered IM’ing Julie and asking her to delay posting anything so that I might craft something clever or profound. 

I’ve done my best to convey to those of you that have participated in Julie’s raffle of the quilt (which I covet), how profoundly touched I am that Julie would sacrifice this quilt, being so generous of her time, her artistry, her very being, and how many of you have felt my pain, and have helped to heal the hole in my soul.

Once again – a profound thanks.

(I’ll make this admission here – I had to continually remind myself that buying my own chances for that quilt was counterproductive, and that it might be awkward to have Julie announce ‘And the winner of the quilt raffle for Boulder, is…..er, Boulder?!”)

But here’s the thing.  Surrogacy?  It is really, really hard some days.  I consider myself an absolute professional when in comes to IVF.  I mean, if they’d let me, I could probably do the whole process from start to finish (though awkwardly) without any supervision. 

Now I have these new tasks to factor in.  Lawyers, contracts, mock cycles, psychology appointments, and so much more.  I feel like I need to make a bullet point list with each step along the way to mark off, so that I can sense the light at the end of the tunnel – and know it isn’t a freight train.

I find myself feeling absolutely overwhelmed some days.  I feel paralyzed.  I want to procrastinate.  And then I find myself trying to figure out why when something is so important to me – why don’t I just dive in and tackle the issues?

Then I realize – it is because I’m at the end of my path.  I’m at plan “z” - what if it doesn’t work?

Then I freeze.   

I understand philosophically that inaction is, in fact, action.  But I think I’m protecting my heart from breaking in to pieces around me. 

My cycle in February was delayed.  I was hoping to get going this past week.  My clinic, however, has just thrown me a major curve ball.  (An aside - any gifts that I received which had a shortened shelf live were passed on to ladies in need - thank you.)

We are now required (due to a FDA ruling from May 2005) to quarantine my husband’s sperm for 6 months.  Once that quarantine time has passed and he’s shown to be clear of things like HIV, Hep B, Hep C, and CMG, to name a few, then they will let us do a fresh cycle with a transfer to our surrogate.  Where I’m frustrated is that this is the first time this issue has come up.

I’ve been told it is because the clinic follows “SART” guidelines. I cannot find these “guidelines,” but have found this (go ahead and read it – I’ll wait):

QUARANTINE REQUIREMENTS

1. Eggs and embryos need not be quarantined.
In the preamble to the proposed rule, FDA stated that reproductive cells and tissues that can reliably be stored should be quarantined for at least 6 months so that the donor could be retested and determined to eligible. FDA listed spermatozoa and sperm progenitor cells as examples of those that maintain function and integrity during storage. ASRM submitted comments to FDA urging them not to require storage of oocytes and embryos, and in the final rule FDA did clarify that they did not intend the quarantine and retesting requirement to apply to embryos and oocytes. The six-month quarantine requirement in §1271.60(a) and the re-testing requirement in §1271.85(d) apply only to anonymous semen donors
2. Semen.
The six-month quarantine requirement in §1271.60(a) and the re-testing requirement in §1271.85(d) apply only to anonymous semen donors. Also, you do not have to obtain a specimen for testing at each donation from a repeat anonymous donor, so long as the initial specimen was tested and you do not release any of the donations until after the donor has been retested at least six months post-donation.

Source [ASRM]

I do not want to become persnickety with my clinic.  I have an excellent relationship with all of the people at the clinic, and with my RE, in particular.  But this new interpretation is unsettling to me.

Why is it that ASRM appears to be indicating that a known donor does not need to be quarantined – yet SART is not in agreement with the amended ruling?

Does anyone out there have a clinic that is not following the rationale of my clinic?  Are they affiliated with SART?  Does anyone have access to the SART guidelines for me to read? (If you do, would you please email me?)

Several kind readers have shared their personal experiences, and I’m finding differing interpretations – and would love to be able to present alternatives to my RE, whom I find to be receptive to my input.

So, we are in quarantine mode.  And I’m hoping that in the 22 minutes I spend away from my husband each day, there isn’t any deviant behavior that will jeopardize the quarantine.  I’m very clear with my expectations for him.

He can do heroin – just not in the living room.

Reverence and Friendship

Editorial Comment:  I wrote about this on Julie's site, and decided to include it here as a way of helping people who stumble on to my blog understand my feelings of complete reverence and appreciation.

I know Scrooge McDuck would find it hard to believe that people out there in the real world do things like this, but I have truly been handed good fortune - this (and, well, $2.02 from adsense help from my site) will go a very long way towards making my dream a possibility.

The beauty of this quilt is matched by the spirit of kindness I have witnessed here.  I'm at the end of my IF road, and yet have never felt so much warmth and friendship holding me up as I take these final steps.

Nothing (well, other than my own "damn baby") will make me happier than to have a picture of Julie weeping with this quilt before she sends it off, and of the LUCKY recipient's smile after opening it.

My greatest hope is that a picture or two of this quilt will one day find its way down to your Quilts for Other People's Kids filed under "A quilt for the child of Boulder's heart."  Because, someday, if I'm lucky, I'll be telling this story at bedtime about how friends got together to make it possible for my family to have a dearly dreamed for child.

Thank you to all of you,

with LOVE from Boulder and husband.

PS - Don't forget to click a link on Julie's "Dept of Commerce" sidebar - won't hurt, might help.  All proceeds this month (02/2006) go to RESOLVE.  Thank you.

Better than a singing telegram!

I could have captured my voice singing a joyful rendition of
"Happy Birthday to You" for my favorite twins in South Africa,
but rather than scar them (and you, my blog buddies) for life,
I offer this instead:
Maybe I'll work on my vocals for a podcast for next year!
Won't that be a treat for everyone?!
Not.