A friend alluded to Punxsutawney Phil in an IM conversation very recently, and in an homage to her, and in honor one of another friend's (and my) favorites movies, Groundhog Day, I feel compelled to stick my head out and see if my shadow is there.
I may head back for the duration of another 6 weeks winter, or I may just keep trying until I get it right.
I have received many great emails gently inquiring as to my well being, and the state of affairs of my ovaries and uterus. I'm sorry I haven't posted to let you know what is up, or more specifically what isn't.
Julie's beautiful quilt changed who I am forever. It made me less cynical about life. It also made me realize, more than ever, that I've never been in this alone. For that, and all of you who participated I can't express the depth of my gratitude.
Sadly, however, I've also acquired a following that I'd like to invite to leave me the fuck alone. There is a population out there that has found it necessary to unleash, on a fairly regular basis. Their sentiments on the inherent "evil" of deciding to have another woman (hopefully) deliver a child for us. I won't dignify them by printing the choice words that have been flung at my husband and me - at least I don't think I will. I may if it continues. Some of them are pathetically funny.
You'd cringe if you saw the filters I've set on my email to route the nastiness to my proverbial circular file. Many, who are bombarding me with other "options" to parenthood, or who are questioning my "selfishness," I like to invite to walk a few years in my shoes. And live in my mind.
I love the idea of adoption. For other people. I love the idea of donor eggs and embryos. For other people. I enthusiastically follow the stories on blogs of people building their families by these means. I'm thrilled to see the joy that comes to the lives of these parents.
I'm just not there yet for our family building experience.
I can't seem to reconcile that in to my life. At some point I may very well welcome these choices for our future, but I am not ready. Frankly, neither is my husband.
I think it is more realistic for us, when we look to the future, to see ourselves as childless. The scars we have from our experiences and losses have aged us in ways we didn't think possible. If surrogacy doesn't work, I think we'll be done with the notion of having a child by any other means. That very thought makes my throat close up with a lump and an my eyes well up with tears, as I bite my quivering lip.
I realized along the way, that life continues to "happen" even if I'd rather it didn't. I think we'd be ready to climb back in to living life the way we used to before becoming engaged in the pursuit of a family. Travels, leisure, friendships - the rich experiences of life - have been dulled by the unhappiness of the failures of my reproductive system. I want to feel carefree - as carefree as a childless woman and her husband can without looking ridiculous.
I'm a woman who, however, reserves the right to change her mind.
So, I'm wondering if we come to some kind of truce. Please? Can you trust that when I have something to share about the state of my ovaries and/or uterus that is noteworthy that I will be here with bells on to let the world in on it all? I'm not ready to do a play-by-play - because as soon as I do, I'll have the email filter struggling to keep up.
The reasons why I haven't cycled yet are personal, and I am not comfortable discussing them in a public forum like the internets. They are real and raw, and they are private. But they are also due in some part to the negative reactions that have come to me without my solicitation for opinions.
For what is worth, to those that need to know these kinds of things - I have passed along any "gifts" that arrived that were close to expiration, and as crazy as it might seem, I have not yet cashed Julie's check. I will when it comes time to use it. Until then I'm hoping that it earns Julie's account a bit of interest that she can use for her own pursuits, or she can donate to her monthly benefactors. (Please help by clicking through on her blogads. As she says, "Won't hurt, might help.")
The reasons why I haven't cycled yet are personal, and I am not comfortable discussing them in a public forum like the internets. They are real and profound, and they are private. I feel like I'm on a loop; same shit, different day.
I feel raw. I feel depressed. I am sad.
I feel blessed, however, that so many of you are so caring and kind. I'd like to keep that first and foremost in my mind. You don't have to tread lightly, and I love to hear from you. Well, most of you.
Thanks for your patience with me.